Letters From Those
Who've Had Abortions

Page 7

I am 21 years old.  It was the end of July 2001 that I found out that I was pregnant. I was in shock and needed to talk to someone. I wasn't going to see me boyfriend until later in the next day. I called into work and went to see my brother's girlfriend, who just had his twins 5 months ago. My brother came home from work and saw me crying and asked me what was wrong. I told him I was pregnant. They both told me to get an abortion because my life was just starting and I just turned 21. They say I still needed to party and finish college.  Later that day I informed my boyfriend that I was pregnant. He was just as shocked as I was. We talked about it and I wanted to have our baby.  I called around to see what doctor will see me. And I went into an office and they confirmed I was pregnant and gave me all this information on having a baby. Four days after I found out myself I told my mom, who is a single mother (my dad died when I was 9).  She told me right away that I was going to have an abortion. No ifs or butts about it. Then she found out who was the father and she was really pushing it then. I was still determined that I would be able to handle it on my own. My brother called me and was trying to convince me to get the abortion done because he wanted to me to do something with my life. He said it is really hard for him to raise his two new ones. But he had twins, I was only having one. Then he said that my mother would be so proud of me if I went through with the procedure. After just disappointing my mother I wanted her to be proud of me. So I went home and told her that I would get it done and she called and made the appointment.  On August 9, 2001 I went to the clinic and I walked in there ready to turn around.  They brought me in a room to have the ultra sound done but I did not look at my baby because I did want to look at him or her then lose them in just a few short hours. They brought me in a room to talk to me and I told them I wasn't sure that I wanted it done and they were like it is your choice. But my mother said there was no way out except to have the abortion done. When they laid me down to start I starting crying and the nurse said that it was not my time to cry it was when they put the needle in my arm to draw blood.  I was looking at the ceiling crying, wondering what I was doing and the next thing I knew I was in the recovery room. The drive home was silent. My mom kept saying it was for the best. Best for who, her because she won't have to tell anyone that her daughter got pregnant. She was ashamed of me. I regret my choice so much and I will never forgive myself and not following my heart. Anyone reading this just follow your heart. God doesn' t put you in a situation that you can't handle.  Another thing when I was driving home after the abortion Creed's "With arms wide open" came on and just stared out of the window in shock and crying inside for my child that I just killed. My boyfriend and I are still together and loving each other more and trying to recover from this. He told me one day we will start a family again but our first child will always be in us. Please just follow your heart and do not listen to others. IF you have had an abortion and want to talk or thinking of getting one email me whenever you want and I will be glad to talk to you. 

9/20/01

Well I am going to start off my story by what a wrong choice.
Last September I found out I was pregnant and both excited and worry, I told my boyfriend at the time and he was kind of weird about it. I had no idea what to do I just graduated high school and was moving on to college and had no idea. He agreed on abortion, I now think back I was brainwashed by him. So we went to a local abortion clinic out of town to see how far along I was and when I got done they told me I was 12.4 wks and I will never forget when I asked to see the ultrasound and I could see what was a baby forming a little me and him coming together as one. We got in the parking lot and I was like no I don't want to do this and again he told me it was the proper thing to do. So I agreed and he went him and set up a date for the abortion. So he came back with date and I will never forget that date, October 11. Day by day went so slow all I could do was think this little guy isn't ever going to ride a bike or call me Mom, I was heartbroken. And the day finally arrived dreaded like I thought. They did all my blood work and brought us into a room to confirm that I was to get a abortion at that time and such, I was getting sick to my stomach it was horrible, probably the most worst feeling ever. So after doing all the blood work and such it was my turn he I was sitting on a table with nothing but nurses around me in a white room, telling me to lay down and count to 10 by at least 4 I was gone, later on I was woken up by a nurse to tell me it was over and to rest a bit till I was ready to go. All I could do was sit on this chair and think oh God what did I just do? The nurse then came to me to see if I was ready and yes I told her, my boyfriend was waiting for me outside the door. After that I cannot remember much after till later on that night, I woke up in a nightmare, sweating and crying my boyfriend was there to comfort me and such. But it wasn't enough like something was missing and it was, my pregnancy. A huge feeling of guilt came over me and that's all I could think of was that. Time has now pasted this summer was hard cause that's when I would have been due. Time has went by and now we are getting ready to prepare for a new pregnancy although I am having a lot of trouble most likely because of the abortion I had had the prior year. I still will always remember the first one, even though he/she was never born but still a life is a life. Hopefully my story will direct girls/woman in my situation to not go through abortion, because of all the after effects. Thanks

I'm writing to you because I believe that other women need to know that they are not alone and that for those considering abortion there's a lot more to it then just having the procedure done and going on with life as usual. 

I am currently 24 years old and just recently had my second abortion.  I feel so horrible right now that words don't seem to be able to express the true magnitude of what I'm feeling.  The first time I got pregnant I was 18 and still in high school.  It was decided by my mother that that child could not be born and that the best thing to do was to "handle the situation" while it was still "a mass of tissue".  I had gotten a scholarship to college and had a bright and promising future.  Reluctantly I agreed.  Afterwards I was tormented and emotionally messed up for quite a while.  I promised myself that I would not get myself into that situation again and if I did I would just have my baby. I went to college obtained my degree and in the process of those four years got married (to my high-school sweetheart who was also the father of the 1st child), had two children, and bought a house.  My life finally seemed to be on track but in the back of my mind I still remembered what I had done.   

Now up to present day.  I'm pursuing my Juris Doctorate in law school and the marriage has been going through some rough times.  Our house note has been late on many occasions, my husband has been laid off since for almost 5 months, I'm in school, and our youngest isn't even 2 yet.  I found out I was pregnant on New Years day of this year.  Immediately my husband was like we can't do this.  Not now. We really cant.  I was avid about keeping this 3rd baby remembering the emotional distress I went through before.  However, everyone I told which was only a few select people was telling me the same thing..." you'll have to take off from school.  How can you support another?  Your really strict and supportive parents will disown you. and not help"  After a while I guess this started to sink in and I began contemplating once again the prospect of abortion.  I guess I had blocked out how truly bad of an experience it was b/f.  Even though there were so many signs that God would have provided and abortion was not the way to go I just eventually gave in and decided that it would be best.  Boy was I wrong!!!  When I was about 11 weeks (or so I thought) along I went to the clinic to have the procedure done.  I was alright when I got there but by the time they called me into the office I totally freaked out and started crying.  I looked the doctor in the eye and was like. "No don't touch me.  I cant do this."  He was like alright then and the clinic refunded my money.  (that should have been my 1st clue to follow my first mind).  My husband was so disappointed as we left that he really didn't say anything.  He didn't even hug me.  On the way home we stopped to get some food and this complete stranger walked up to me and was like " the lord told me to tell you that he loves you and that he can make a way out of no way."  I should have listened.  A week then went by.  After much more prodding I made the wrong decision that I had to do this so I rescheduled.  This time I got my best friend to accompany me.  I got all the way in the office, on the table and the doctor did the exam and ultra-sound.  To my surprise I was about 2 weeks further than what I thought.  Apparently I had had a period while I was pregnant - Something that I have never done.  He told me the cost was going to go up and in a way I was relieved.  Again I got my money back and left.  When I got home this time I found an old ultra-sound of my daughter on our entertainment center.  (this should have been my second clue) I told my husband what had happened and he was like so are we going to do it or not.  He kept stressing that he was going to get the x-tra money because this was something that had to be done.  2 more weeks pass of me contemplating knowing in my heart that it wasn't what I really wanted to do.  Once again I was swayed and decided that I had no other alternative.  Last week made yet another appointment.  I was past the point of a one day procedure so I was told that it would require 2 days.  I closed my mind and numbed myself I had to go through with it.  Too many people would be disappointed if I didn't.  When I arrived on the first day I was met by a group of Pro-choice church people. (this should have been clue 3). I ignored them and went on in.  The staff was friendly and the first step (softening the cervix ) was completed in about 15 mins.  I lied there and cried softly.  What had I started.  There was no turning back.  The next day I awoke and went back to the clinic for a 7:00am appt.  by 8:00 the office was full and by 9:00 I was done.  The whole time it was being done I just layed back and cried.  I felt them take life from my body.  I heard the suction noise.  I was completely empty.

I left and closed my mind to all.  It is now a few days later and I cant stop thinking about it.  What did I do.  Sure my life may be easier now but at what cost.  I once again have been plunged into the depths of emotional despair.  I regret my choice.  I feel as if it was wrong and now can no longer say that I'm pro-choice.  I felt the need to connect with someone who has gone though this and possibly change or inform someone who thinks that abortion is not a big thing.  My little child will never know life.  It will never see my face, or know its siblings.  Its amazing how one action can leave such a lasting effect on your life and emotional outlook.  I now must face this and deal with it.  For me abortion has never been a form of birth control.  It isn't.  Its portrayed as a "choice" but remember that by exercising this choice your taking away the life of another.  I hope that God will forgive me as I have prayed each day afterwards.  Please remember that after the tears stop and the emotional drama ends you will still be left with the memories of that experience and all the "what ifs"  I can now say that if I get pregnant 15 more times I'll go though with all those births (I don't plan on getting preg. that many times but you understand the concept) Ladies and gentlemen to,  Just know that there's more to the whole process than what you thing.  Abortion is final.  there is no going back.  And what your left with is an emptiness and visions of what could have been.  If there is anyone who ever wants to talk then please e-mail me.  Yazzmeene_Smith@yahoo.com